South-East Asia is a favorite destination of mine. Though many of the SE Asian countries are packed together in a small region of the world, each country offers up its own identity and flavor. The culture, people, architecture, food, weather and hospitality are the prime reasons I return to the region. However, lingering in the jungles, forests and even the city streets are several varieties of macaques, gibbons and other types of primates wreaking mischief and havoc on an epidemic scale.

Why Are Monkeys Assholes?

The Ipoh Incident

I think it’s best to begin where it all started. My first visit to South-East Asia began years ago in Malaysia. After a couple days taking in the culture and the food in Kuala Lumpur & Petaling Jaya (KL & PJ to the locals), I hopped in my car and drove 2 hours to Ipoh. It was in Ipoh where I would encounter a monkey in the wild for the first time in my life.

Just outside of my hotel, there was a walking trail with my name all over it. I grabbed my pack and my new point and shoot camera. After about 15 minutes of walking through the nearby forest, I encountered 3 small tree monkeys. Before I could snap a photo, I felt something hit my shoulder. It’s true! Monkeys do throw their own poop. It wasn’t solid poop either. It stuck to my shirt and smeared everywhere when I tried to wipe it off. They didn’t stop with poop. They started throwing anything they could find (wood, berries, leaves).  Discouraged, I went back to my hotel to wash up.

Apparently, the hotel staff knew about the little tree terrorists and got a little laugh at the expense of their guests. Honestly, I found it funny as well, but that doesn’t negate the fact that monkeys are indeed assholes.

The Monkey Thieves Of Phuket

If you’ve ever plan on going to Phuket, you cannot leave without visiting the Big Buddha statue which watches over the island. While walking up the mountain steps to the Buddha, you begin to realize just how massive the statue is and the scale it took to construct it. It’s beautiful and seems to blend perfectly with the nature it inhabits.

After getting my photos in and paying my respects to the Thai monks, I had this overwhelming hunger. I ventured over to the snack area to grab a can of Pringles sour-cream & onion potato chips. Since the Big Buddha sits on top of a mountain, I decided to enjoy my new snack at a scenic platform overlooking Phuket. While standing there enjoying my chips and taking in the view, I felt a tug on my shorts. I look down to see a monkey staring back at me. Then other monkeys began to appear greeting the other tourists. I thought it was the coolest thing ever. That is until I realized it was a distraction. Next thing I knew, my can of chips was snatched from my hands by an expert tree climbing bastard monkey thief. I wasn’t the only victim as a few others also lost their refreshments to the band of bandit swindling primates. Watching that monkey enjoy my chips in a tree was a feeling of complete defeat. Well played monkey. Well played.
I managed to catch the aftermath on video. You can witness my defeat below.

In All Seriousness…

Monkeys can throw poop at people as a defensive measure and steal food as a form of survival. It’s usually best to keep your distance from undomesticated animals. Besides, animals in the wild have been known to carry pathogens such as rabies and … even herpes. Also, it’s probably wise to keep a tighter grip around your belongings as well lest the monkey thief strikes again. Finally, it should go without saying that it’s wise to never tease or otherwise entice monkeys.

Having said this, it’s important to note I’m a huge proponent of wildlife conservation. I appreciate, admire and respect all wildlife, even monkeys. I don’t hate monkeys. However, like tigers, I will admire monkeys from a distance.

As for the monkey that took my chips, I hope they gave you indigestion you little bastard!!!